Entering september

It's strange to think that I've been in Minneapolis for almost a year now - I arrived here on September 13th of last year, after a three day drive from Massachusetts. It's funny...I had been living through the summer as I always do - as if it will never end, and then a few weeks of late august cold have blown September in again. When the air began to turn I started to feel that same crisp in the air, that wide-open-sky-ness and sense of lonesome possibility I think I felt when I first moved here. It was strange to feel that way again - maybe a sense of hopefulness or a sense of movement that I didn't think I'd feel it again for a long time. But then again, I guess the fall does have a way of sweeping in and pushing changes no matter where I happen to be. I think that's why it's my favorite season. I've been keen to notice the circular patterns of things since the leaves started to change, and I'm trying to find some sort of reason and rhyme to this gweird (that's good + weird for all of you not in the the know) year...but instead of finding meaning, I find only the beginning of another cycle that sometimes looks the same as the last.

Anyway, it seems appropriate that I should pick up this blog again, and try to record some of the goings-ons and happenings and brain laps I've been doing.

Some of the things on my mind:

- the move into my new house in S. Minneapolis, with new roommates and orange walls
- the possibility of working for Americorps, very last minute, and ah, STRESS!
- reaching out to friends more, in other words communication, communication, communication!
- I hate to say it but...winter(!?!)
- Mark's departure, bringing mixed feelings
- the State Fair! I feel like a true Minnesotan


That's all for now. More soon!

Who is pwning the job circuit? Who issssssss?

Fancy that.

I'm FINALLY getting my shit together job wise and things seem to be working in my favor...for now. I sort of have it worked out right now so that no matter what happens, I have an alternative route to doing "something-I-halfway-care-about" set up.

I had a big, fat job interview on Monday with Camp Fire, which I thought went pretty well. I botched one of the questions, but I think they liked me anyway. I also have another interview set up at the first LEED certified restaraunt in Minnesota (aka the the Red Stag Supperclub). I have also applied for a 6 week farm internship at the Womens Environmental Institute, which I should hear back about by the end of next week. Basically my insides are getting that cozy toasty feeling of contentment because every job I've applied for has asked me for an interview without me even calling them. PWN.

The options (some of which may be pure fantasy):

1.) Work at Camp Fire

cons: bit more corporate than I'd like, would probably be challenging and stressful, would offer very little wiggle room in the days off area

pros: part time, so I would have time to volunteer or work on a farm, good pay ($11-12/hr), doesn't start til last week of May and ends Aug. 21 (i.e. gives me some time to travel before and after)

2.) Work at the Red Stag Supper Club

cons: would probably be expected to stay past the fall; is probably the position I am least qualified for; unsure about pay scale

pros: get to work for a sustainable business which also happens to be quite classy; would probably get discounts on delicious organic food; would be able to stay in the twin cities *and* volunteer or work at a farm during the day

3.) Take the WEI Internship

cons: would require me to live at the farm (1 hour north of the TC) 5 days out of the week; only lasts for part of the summer; requires hard physical labor and pays very, very little

pros: get to learn the ins and outs of organic farming; get to work out in the open air and see the fruits of my labor as they grow; get to conduct research into organic farming policy; get to read about Wendell Barry; gives me lots of time to travel, meaning I could visit my bro & mum for extended periods of time



Right now I think the thing I'd most like to do is the WEI internship. The only trouble is I'm not sure how good my chances of getting it are since a.) I sent in my application way past the original deadline (more on that later) and b.) I have very little experience with organic farming. But if I don't get the internship, I still plan on taking part in WEI's Farm School, which is a series of lectures on progressive food culture and alternative farming techniques. I'm basically convinced that I want to do some kind of farming this summer, and I've set it up so that even if I don't get to do this though WEI - which is the most comprehensive overview of organic farming out of all the options - I will still be doing some kind of outdoor work. I talked to the folks at the Minnesota Food Association CSA farm and they said they would be willing to offer me a sort of informal farm internship a few days a week. So all that's left to do now is wait and see who bites.

big big big big good good good

the world feels big today, like it does sometimes when the sun's hanging out and your shoes are off and you kind of want to put your clothes on but feel better in your slightly smelly old pajamas.

there also seem to be a lot of good things. i feel like there have been a lot of good/bad, gweird, etc. things happening since this year started, and i haven't really said much about them. so i'm gonna do a bit of that now.

today these are things on my mind:

impending spring adulations and then summer bike rides and swims.

new internet excitement: StumbleUpon & GoogleReader (Em yr so right, GR is addicting!) this week i started this thing where i have folder called "Lookbook" on my internet browser...it's kind of a catchall for random websites i find, but it seems to be a good way of tracking what the inside of my head looks like on any given day. it's weird how small things like a new film or a sentence you read or the way someone eats a hotdog can affect your state of mind, and i'm kind of interested in tracking that stuff right now.

in the folder so far: anatomical street art , C.H.U.N.K. 666 bike club, Roadside America, the wikipedia site for "Up Against the Wall Motherfuckers", freegans, 10 best treehouses.

i hadn't been feeling it for a while, but today I'm feeling that cracked open like an egg feeling i get sometimes, when all the good yolky parts of life dump out from behind that too solid wall tend to like hiding behind. i'm feeling like this most likely because of another good thing:

i finished my cover letter for the Youth Farm and Market Project! it took me so long. i kept getting REALLY anxious about it, because i'm didn't feel perfectly qualified for position. i also don't like lying or bullshitting too much or trying to make myself look really awesome in cover letters, because i always think about how if i were the person reading it, regardless of the person's experience i wouldn't want to work with them because their writing style makes them appear arrogant and big headed. guess my way of thinking doesn't really work well in the business world. you're not really supposed to be sincere if you want to get ahead. maybe that's why i don't want to get ahead. i spent a bunch of time last night reading all these really painfully depressing cover letter samples, which made me feel super inadequate. yadayada, got over that, realized i just had to sound excited (which i am!) and banged the thing out and sent it on its way. if they like me, they like me, if they don't they don't. but i was feeling extremely stilted about it...like i just COULD NOT write the stupid thing. it reminded me of when i'd get roadblocked by a paper at 4 am when i was still at smith, and would just sit there agonizing over one sentence for hours. it's kind of ridiculous that i worried about it so much...the position i applied for is basically just watering, weeding and mowing their lawns and gardens. really, it was the listed qualifications that made me all nervous: they want someone with "farming/gardening experience" and "experience working with youth" so i got my panties all in a knot about how i haven't worked with kids enough or worked on a farm. but seriously, anybody can water plants. and i'm good with kids, even if i haven't worked in a school. so i have calmed down and am zenlike about it. :D j/k. but now that i've sent it off it i'm sure they'll like it.

Youth Farm & Market Project is really interesting. you should read more about them: http://www.youthfarm.net/index.cfm

i'm trying to STOP doing that "i can't do it" or "it's so much effort" thing i do, because it's really getting in the way of life.

anyway...other good things. i'm taking a bunch of classes at the experimental college of the twin cities and i'm really starting to get excited about the coursework. over the past few weeks i have been fretting that my interest in filmmaking is just a bourgeoisie pursuit and i start to criticize myself for being interested in it because it can be so elitist and disconnected from the people living down in the streets. i have this internal battle frequently, but this time i was feeling particularly nihilistic about it. and to be honest, some of my fears are founded: filmmaking sometimes does remove you from lived experience, since you are always telling a story about a moment that no longer exists. and as always when those little voices come nagging, i have been wondering if i should be devoting my life to something that isn't hands on work in the community. as you can tell i've been on a pessimistic kick for the past month. so, however unconsciously, i've been sort of searching for a rationalization, something to give me certainty that it is possible to make art, and make films that DO help the community, that don't set up this whole "elite artsy filmmaker" vs. "average people" kind of dynamic. and i'm happy to say that this week has been FULL of reassurance in that respect. on monday we had this huge discussion about appearance vs. reality and documentary film, which ended up turning into a discussion about memory and time, and yes, the meaning of life. it was one of those conversations that make the world shrink up into the little room you happen to be in and your mind flips and leaps from all the new discoveries. it also made me feel much better about the purpose of recording the world around you, no matter how badly or amateurly. i'll probably post a little more about that later. anyway, for the time being, suffice to say it was an eye opening night that sparked my enthusiasm for films and my determination to make them.

part of the reason i worry about the value of making films so often is that i rarely find films that seem accessible and poetic at the same time. it seems like the more poetic, the more distance between average people. and the more accessible, the more "unreal" and un-lifelike they seem. i've been thinking a lot about trying to make films that don't try to create some idealized picture of the world, but also speak to the part of us (a part that, i think, is in everyone no matter how buried) that needs to not just know about the world in some abstract sense (Politics, War, Injustice, Struggle, Death - capitalized, big, remote!) but craves human interaction, human stories, intangibles. i want to see how the bigness of the world connects with the small parts and i want to see not just the happy, not just the sad, but the happy-sad parts of life. but how to strike a balance!? that question plagues me. and as is typical with me, i spend so much time worrying about the QUESTION that i don't produce anything, good or bad.

anyway, it seems to me that documentary films have the possibility of offering us the most "realistic" (because a film can only ever be "realistic"; it can never depict what is "real") sort of film possible. but those films never really seem to inspire me the way narrative films do. at least that's the secret opinion i had harbored until i started taking this documentary class with EXCO. but this week we watched a series of films that made me realize that documentaries, if they can be called that, CAN speak to both big systems (politics, society) and small ones (poetics, emotions, individual worlds).

i have been thinking about the purpose of art a lot too - is art necessary to live? a lot of times i don't think so. especially, lately, i have been tempted into thinking art is really selfish, and that it's basically only possible to produce it when you have a certain level of comfort. i mean, when you're worried about putting food on your table, who the hell has time to think about why we're here or big questions like that?! it's absurd! but then i think, well, isn't that a bad thing? when you have to worry about getting food for your kids or finding a job, it still affects your mind, how you feel, and how you see life. you heart and all the gushy parts may get hardened, but blood still flows through them and you still feel them, no matter how dimly. maybe inner city kids don't think about needing to let all that out, but they have a lot to let out regardless. everybody does. it's just that we're taught that other things are more important than probing the depths of your inner world, and in an immediate, life or death kind of sense, it's true. food, stability, survival - those things ARE more important than where our minds go. and especially here in the U.S, we're taught that art, which is basically a way of looking around at the world and trying to make sense of it in, isn't essential to life. that only those with time and money deserve to think about how they feel or how the world makes them think about things. and isn't that wrong? but how do you address the very real, very immediate issues of survival AND address the emotional world at the same time? how to strike a balance? and more specifically, how to take those ideas out into the city, into the community, and really MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. because if i've figured anything out in this bizarre, gweird, impossibly strange year, it's that i've spent so much of my life thinking and talking and planning what i want to do that i haven't really done anything. i mean nothing concrete. i haven't dug my fingers in. i'm not saying that it's not possible to, because i know that it is. i'm saying that i haven't done it. but the question remains: how to take all that intangible mush and make it into something that will really affect people's lives?

i don't have an answer, but i got a glimpse of what it might be last night when we watched this experimental documentary called "Roswell" by Bill Brown. and in this documentary by Agnes Varda I am watching as we speak. both films ... well i can't totally describe them, because you kind of have to see them, but they feel like documents that capture fleeting things, but at the same time state plainly that the world itself is fleeting. does that make sense? they aren't lofty, they aren't hard to understand or completely inaccessible, they don't try to bludgeon anyone into thinking something, they just *are*. in reality, i know you can never hope to "affect people's lives" because there are so many different types of people, with so many different structures of thought at play inside each one. but i think i *can* hope to produce work that is sincere, and in doing so, will reach some people. and hopefully affect them in unseen ways. or maybe even tangible ways. in the end i've sort of made my peace with the idea of art vs. life - i think you can positively affect your community no matter what kind of work you do. you just have to constantly be aware that you are IN that community, and as such, offer yourself and your world to it.

i know that it's unproductive to think that you have everything figured out, because like the trudging of the seconds and minutes our minds are constantly in flux. but i do feel like, for the time being, i know what i think about things. and what i think is simple, and plain. i want to be a good person, and i want to give a part of myself to the community that surrounds me. i want to offer what i have to the world. i want to turn inward and pull from my gut, but always keep my hand reached out. because it seems to me that that's the most any of us can do. i don't want to be famous, or important, or big, or the most intelligent, or the most successful. i just want to try and exist as sincerely as possible. it sounds small, but so few people do it.

I keep thinking about that fullness in my chest when the moon comes out and the ice begins to melt:

Landscape

Isn't it plain the sheets of moss,
except that they have no tongues,
could lecture all day if they wanted about

spiritual patience? Isn't it clear
the black oaks along the path are standing as
though they were the most fragile of flowers?

Every morning I walk like this around
the pond, thinking: if the doors of my heart
ever close, I am as good as dead.

Every morning, so far, I'm alive. And now the
crows break off from the rest of the darkness
and burst up into the sky - as though

all night they had thought of what they would
like their lives to be, and imagined
their strong, thick wings.

by Mary Oliver

Since I've been traveling:

I see the shapes,
I remember from maps.
I see the shoreline.
I see the whitecaps.
A baseball diamond, nice weather down there.
I see the school and the houses where the kids are.
Places to park by the factories and buildings.
Restaurants and bar for later in the evening.
Then we come to the farmlands, and the undeveloped areas.
And I have learned how these things work together.
I see the parkway that passes through them all.
And I have learned how to look at these things and I say,

I wouldnt live there if you paid me.
I couldnt live like that, no siree!
I couldnt do the things the way those people do.
I couldnt live there if you paid me to.

I guess its healthy, I guess the air is clean.
I guess those people have fun with their neighbors and friends.
Look at that kitchen and all of that food.
Look at them eat it guess it tastes real good.

They grow it in the farmlands
And they take it to the stores
They put it in the car trunk
And they bring it back home
And I say ...

I say, I wouldnt live there if you paid me.
I couldnt live like that, no siree!
I couldnt do the things the way those people do.
I wouldnt live there if you paid me to.

Im tired of looking out the windows of the airplane
Im tired of travelling, I want to be somewhere.
Its not even worth talking
About those people down there.

Goo goo ga ga ga
Goo goo ga ga ga

National Secrets For Clarz:

Normally, I wouldn't dream of writing about this online (it's so much better to gush in person/over the phone), but since we just can't seem to find time to talk, here's a short rundown!

The big secret is: I met someone! On the internet no less. I know, I know. He's too pretty for words, and he already calls me "lady". It's a little bit disgusting how much I like him. Especially since we've only known each other for um, a week. I'm still a little bit bewildered about all of it, to be honest, but I'm kind of just going with it. Nothing too serious has happened, and I'm still a little wary about the whole thing, since it hasn't been very long, but I have a good feeling about it.

Anway. I'm just excited and twitterpated. There is much more to tell but that'll have to wait for our next phone call :)

AMURICAAHH FUCK YEAH!

I fucking love this country. By which I mean: for once in my life I don't hate half the people who live in this god forsaken place.

Now, I am usually a cynical person when it comes to politics...I often doubt the abilities of the bigwigs to effect real, lasting change or to truly be concerned with those who actually live life in the face of their legislation. But I couldn't help but feel like a big pile of mush when I listened to Obama's acceptance speech last night. It's really no wonder the American people fell for him...he's just too pretty. And he talks real good too. I thought it was damn straight of him to emphasize how difficult the coming years will be, despite this initial victory. Even if he doesn't turn out to be the wunderkind he's being billed as, I think he's really the best suited candidate to take on the massive repairs this country will need to undergo during his term. He's still a politician, but I think he brings a freshness and an optimism to politics that is much needed at this point in history. Surprisingly, even McCain was on good behavior last night. As much as I despise the man, I was actually the tiniest bit impressed with his concession speech. I thought it was good of him to not just spit out a few words, but to actually congratulate Obama. Granted, it was probably a highly calculated move to keep him in the running for the next election, but it was still good of him. It was the first time I didn't want to leap through the TV screen and get him a stranglehold while he was speaking.

It was kind of incredible listening to the radio last night as state after state went blue. Even now, I still feel sort of like a deer caught in headlights - I'm stunned and amazed at not just Obama's victory, but how many people actually turned out to vote yesterday. As I talked to customers throughout the day, I could really sense how important this election was for so many people. I think that feeling permeated this election. I think there was a sense that this was our last chance for change; that if we want to see our country going in a different direction, we had to make it happen. And people turned out in record numbers, not just in the polling centers, but in early voting locations and in absentee ballots. And when I stepped up to place my vote, I also felt like my vote really mattered, delusion or not. Now I'm not sure what the next few years will hold for us, but even if Obama doesn't turn out to be the harbringer of change we would like him to be, at least we can credit him with sparking a fire underneath the American people to actually sit up and fucking DO SOMETHING. The Minnesota Public Radio Coverage said we had something like 80% voter turnout here in Minneapolis, which is *huge*, even in a state known for its high turnout records.

And I think it's really saying something that even this cynical, commie pinko voter over here got a little bleary eyed while watching the waves of blue votes come in last night.

Now the waiting begins. I wonder who Bush will pardon before he (metaphorically) croaks...

ONWARD.